When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
