btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
