i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize