Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
