My room smells like vodka and shame
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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