I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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