So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
