You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
