Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
