im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
