Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
