You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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