in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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