why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
