Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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