i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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