Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize