Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
