Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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