i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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