I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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