Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
