when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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