what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
