Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
