When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
