i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
