I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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