Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
