my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
