She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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