he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
