i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
