I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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