It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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