is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
