Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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