John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
