I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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