but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I believe in your delicious
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
