I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
