I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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