the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
