OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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