May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
