Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
