So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
