Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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