Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
