Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
