He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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