who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
