It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
