Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
