How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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