The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
