So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
im on a boat
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