What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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