They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
