first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
