im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
