Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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