I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
